親から無敵の愛をもらえなかったかたへ、精神科医が語ります。

1. What Does it Mean to Be "Properly Loved"? Even if you say, "I wasn't loved properly by my parents," this is something that cannot be summed up in a single sentence. Working as a psychiatrist, I feel that this factor is deeply connected to the root of many people's suffering. Obvious examples—such as neglect and difficulty eating, or being subjected to violence—are examples of "suffering that is easily visible from the outside" (of course, none of these are good things). However, what's more troubling are the more ambiguous, less visible "distorted ways of being loved." Ideally, parents are often imagined as beings who sacrifice themselves for their children—this is what we call "unconditional love." Of course, parents are human beings, with their own lives, and raising children isn't everything. That's a given. However, children idealize their parents to an infinite extent. Children cannot truly understand their parents' circumstances. This is why the feeling that "their parents prioritized them over them" is deeply etched in children's minds. 2. Children intuitively sense their parents' priorities. This is important: parenting is an integral process. Good or bad isn't determined by a single event. It's the accumulation of small, everyday moments that gives a child the sense that their parents will protect them and cherish them. For example, there's a famous scene in Dragon Ball: Just as Nappa attempts to attack Son Gohan, Piccolo throws himself in his defense and falls. That act of "using himself as a shield" is a kind of symbol of parenthood and maternal love. To put it in extreme terms, idealized "parental love" is imprinted on children as that level of devotion. Conversely, when parents prioritize their own convenience and put their children on the back burner, children instinctively sense it. Children are truly mysterious. They can't fight, earn money, or do anything, but they're incredibly sensitive to whether their parents' love is directed toward them or toward them. I think that's what they say: we're programmed that way as animals. 3. This difference determines the "foundation of your life." Children with a high "integral value" of parents who don't put you second have a strong foundation in life. They feel a sense of security. They feel a sense of self-worth. They feel like new things will work out. This feeling isn't due to talent or effort, but is often built into their foundation. On the other hand, if you build up a sense that your parents put them before you, Times when nothing's happening feel empty. They're always feeling unfulfilled. They're always anxious. They're afraid to start new things (they feel like they won't work out). These feelings become the foundation of your life. Some people with borderline personality traits experience strong feelings of abandonment and emptiness, and I think the feeling of "emptiness even though nothing good or bad is happening" is something that relates to this. 4. "Friend Parents and Children" Seem Good at First Sight, But There's Something Missing I think we've seen an increase in so-called "friend parent-child" relationships recently. They get along well, play together, and even appear in videos together. But when the time comes, parents avoid criticizing their children, saying things that are hard to hear, or taking on the role of the villain. While this may seem like respect for the child, it can actually be a parent's convenience, not wanting to be the bad guy. Parents are not friends. They offer the necessary strictness when needed for their children's sake. I believe this is all part of "proper love." 5. It's Hard to Reclaim That Hole as an Adult This is the hard part. As adults, some people's voids never completely fill, even when they find a partner or get married. The reason is that adult relationships fundamentally involve "exchange." Each person provides something to the other in some way. As a result, it's very difficult to later regain the "unconditional sense of security that surrounds you even when you're not doing anything." Therefore, those who did not receive that foundation (unconditional security) from their parents will, in a sense, find life difficult. 6. I call this "invincible love." Today, I'm going to give it a name. I believe that what we should have received from our parents was not wealth or ability, but "invincible love." I have two images of invincible love. The Armor of Invincible Love: Feeling a sense of security even when doing nothing. The Sword of Invincible Love: Being able to move forward with a "thing will work out" attitude even in uncertain situations. People who possess this are strong. It's not that they can't survive without it, but the world's attacks hurt, and it takes great courage to move forward. 7. Therefore, a life filled with "small good things" People who lack invincible love find it difficult to have nothing. That's why: A little compliment Something go...