Любить человека с ПРЛ, но в фантазии

Original video:    • Loving the Borderline in Her Fantasy   How to love someone with BPD. Borderline personality disorder is a form of complex trauma-related disorder (CPTSD) and in many cases leads to obsessive sexual ideations and hypersexuality ("sexual addiction"). In early childhood, borderlines learned to inextricably associate sex, pain, and love, sometimes due to childhood sexual abuse. Hereditary brain abnormalities also play a role, predisposing the child to emotional dysregulation, mood disorders, and instability. Borderliness sexualizes their emotions and needs: to be loved, to belong, to be accepted and valued, to feel safe, strong, irresistible, to be in control, and to feel "at home." Even in a "one-night stand gone wrong" movie—and she experiences many of them—she's likely to translate the dissonant experience into a fantastical narrative of love, redemption, and salvation. Her endless list of failed relationships—the inevitable consequences of choosing the wrong partners—leads borderlines to expect the worst: acrimonious and painful breakups and rejection. She often tries to escape these toxic relationships through deception. She fails in every relationship, and then, at the first sign of discord or sexual rejection, she decompensates and acts out: becoming cruel, promiscuous, deceitful (cheating), or psychopathic (defiant, impulsive, emotionless, and reckless). To cope with the overwhelming shame and guilt over her egregiously bad behavior, she dissociates: suffering amnesia, depersonalizing, or derealizing the derealized. High-functioning people with personality disorders are disconcerting: they compartmentalize their erratic, antisocial, addictive, sadistic, and defiant behavior. During the day, they are competent professionals, diligent students, pillars of society, responsible citizens, fathers or mothers, loving husbands or wives, and prosperous entrepreneurs. Evening comes, the mask slips, and the booze and drugs come out in force, rife with wanton, reckless sex with virtual strangers, gambling, or any other self-destructive, dysfunctional, even self-destructive behavior. What baffles scientists is that all these internal states are part of the personality. There is no pretense here. The shift occurs suddenly but smoothly. Dissociation often occurs, but never to the point of disrupting continuous autobiographical memory and core identity. Cleckley called this the "Mask of Sanity." This challenges everything we thought we knew about psychology. Everyone says that falling in love with broken, damaged people is self-destructive: they will inevitably hurt you and scar you for life. In such matters of the heart, you are doomed. But this general advice is often wrong and doomed to failure. The respective pathologies of the couple's members can either neutralize each other, bringing a sense of security, reduced anxiety, and even healing, or reinforce each other, exacerbating the underlying conditions of each participant. The broken are much more open and vulnerable: their "insides" are exposed for all to see. They are skinless and defenseless. But it is precisely this sensitivity that makes the interactions and emotions in such relationships deeper and more intense. Loving the mentally ill is an exhausting, colorful adventure, not the black and white tones of healthy boundaries. The wounded and traumatized know each other's protracted volcanic agony better than anyone else. Just as alcoholics sponsor their loved ones through the 12-step programs of Alcoholics Anonymous, the broken see each other through the howling miasma of their souls. It's a risky gamble with one's own life and sanity. And yet, many choose to do so because loving such wounded people is the most selfless act in the world and a powerful stimulus for personal growth, even in difficult times. Such painful relationships collapse when we want our partner to either hurt us further (confirm our victim status) or expect them to "fix" us. Women who possess both strong, unfulfilled maternal instincts and loneliness anxiety find the perfect solution in a narcissist: a child who will never grow up and leave them. These close partners subtly encourage the narcissist's infantilization, immaturity, learned helplessness, and dependency. They condemn and discourage—even punish—any attempts to change, separate, or demonstrate adult behavior (including sex). Sometimes they even abandon their own children to devote themselves exclusively to this "safe" child at home.