Effigism: Proxy Maintenance and Proxy Attack

What happens when another person needs you to remain uncertain, diminished, or unsuccessful so that they can feel competent and secure? In this episode, Dr. Todd Berntson explores two central mechanisms within the proposed relational construct of effigism: proxy maintenance and proxy attack. Some people depend upon others to help stabilize a fragile sense of self. In narcissism, the other person may be recruited as a reflective proxy—someone expected to provide admiration, recognition, or validation. In effigism, the proxy serves a different function. The other person is placed into a diminished or failed position so that the effigist can feel more capable, intelligent, successful, or intact by contrast. Proxy maintenance is the ongoing process of keeping someone in that position through chronic dismissal, discouragement, belittling, invalidation, subtle sabotage, and repeated attacks on their perceptions, preferences, and developing sense of self. Proxy attack occurs when the proxy begins to step outside that assigned role—by demonstrating competence, expressing an independent perspective, setting a boundary, pursuing a new life direction, or questioning the effigist’s authority. The resulting attack may be unexpectedly vicious, humiliating, or disproportionate because the proxy’s growing agency threatens the relational structure that has been regulating the effigist’s sense of self. Dr. Todd illustrates these dynamics through personal experiences, including: Being told that his safety mattered less than a violent barn cat Being deliberately abandoned in an elevator as a three-year-old Being ridiculed after asking his psychologist father an intellectual question Having family members recruited to prevent him from succeeding after he moved away Individually, these incidents can appear confusing or insignificant to an outsider. Within a larger relational pattern, however, they become part of a sustained effort to undermine identity, confidence, safety, value, and agency. Over time, the recipient may internalize a failed state: the belief that everything they think is wrong, everything they attempt will fail, and something must be fundamentally defective or unlovable about them. Understanding the pattern makes it possible to begin relocating that shame. The confusion, inadequacy, and self-doubt you carry may not reveal who you are. They may be the emotional consequences of the position you were repeatedly assigned within an effigistic relationship. Just because you feel bad does not mean that you are bad. Just because you feel incapable does not mean that you are incapable. The failed state may have been imposed upon you. It is not your identity. In This Episode 00:00 Introduction 00:45 What does “proxy” mean? 01:26 The reflective proxy in narcissism 03:51 How the proxy functions differently in effigism 05:06 Creating failure in another person 07:55 What is proxy maintenance? 08:23 “The cat lives here too” 11:36 The childhood elevator experience 14:33 The cumulative effect of chronic undermining 15:13 How the internalized failed state develops 18:29 Neglecting versus actively undermining the self 19:48 What is a proxy attack? 22:37 Intellectual curiosity and exposure threat 26:03 “I think for a living” 28:18 Moving away and developing independence 29:39 Maintenance, control, and the attempt to prevent success 31:29 Relocating internalized shame 33:38 Effigism within attachment relationships 34:56 An important distinction between narcissism and effigism 35:25 Recovering trust in your own perceptions 37:00 Closing thoughts ————— Check out the NEW REHUMANIZATION MERCH here: https://shop.drtodd.com Support Rehumanization: https://buymeacoffee.com/drtodd Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER: https://mailchi.mp/drtodd/rehumanizat... Podcast Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/55cEVv4... Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast... Website — https://drtodd.com Subscribe for future videos —    / @effigism   ————— You can purchase my new book “Recovering from Emotional Trauma” — https://a.co/d/0daDq2eB ————— Follow me on other channels: Facebook —   / toddberntson   LinkedIn —   / toddberntson   Instagram —   / toddberntson   TikTok —   / toddberntson   X — https://x.com/ToddBerntson