Dead Daddy’s & their Daughters. How do we define Love? Alchemizing the Energetix

My dad has been dead for 8 days. This is a moment I decided to roll tape on my grief energetix moving through me as I honor every emotional memory of Him. How did your Daddy Love You? How did His imprints shaped your beliefs? Did his Love fill you up? Or perhaps it lacked emotional depth? He can only Love you as deeply as he allowed Love in himself. If he did not feel Loved by his parents, which he  claimed that his mother didn’t love him. And towards the end of my grandmother‘s life, he told her that he hated her and accused her of never loving him. He said his father loved him, but my mother never loved me. He never give a reason or an instance that I recall. And when I was born in 1986, my mother and father visited Florida to meet my grandparents and see their new house on the PGA golf course in West Palm Beach Florida. I’m a newborn baby. I was a terrible flyer. It was very tramatic for all of us. this is the first time my mom‘s meeting her baby daddy‘s parents and reportedly daddy didn’t leave his bedroom. He didn’t come out to talk to his parents, play with his new born baby and baby momma. Sitting next to his woman, take me solo so mom could rest. She just pushed a 9lb baby out of her body. And ended in cesarian. no, he locked himself in his bedroom for the week. Mom to this day doesn’t know why?, he’s always liked to spend a lot of time alone, so do I. if you’re not seeing anyone, then nobody can reject you. Or if you already reject yourself, by hiding out, then nobody can reject you.  Because you already rejected yourself by separation Perhaps he always felt like a reject. My sister has mentioned the middle child syndrome. It’s not something I ever paid much attention to because all my siblings are blended. Non of my siblings share a mother & a father we are all half bloods 🩸 Dan was the middle child. There was the golden boy, the baby brother and the brightest, shining star, his older sister.  Whoa…I feel that in my solar plexus. Sounds True. He never felt seen, so he would act out, joke, wear a smile ear to ear, infectious laugh, clever & charming. (Ive dated guys like this, I also do THIS) That was his mask to protect his heart. It eventually became his personality. Which lacked emotional intimacy because he never experienced deeply felt feelings towards him. Or he didnt metabolize them as such. He never felt it! Sarah Loved Dan the only way she knew how. We’ll never know how she treated him, or actually I may just ask my Aunt & Uncle. It’s hard to GIVE something you don’t HAVE. He had anger issues- out loud bitching commentary about how somebody is an arsehole. How he would just “doing his job” and someother arsehole is breaking the rules or giving him a hard time! “Eff that guy”. He would yell at people for not wearing masks, public transportation arguments, dogs off leash, littering ( i also have commentary for litter).. He talked about himself, incessantly and not ask about me, my life, happenings and experience. Not What I like? or ask about what I thought. 💭 He didn’t know me. It didnt feel intimate. Hard to tell if he cared about me sometimes with how much time would pass between chats & visits. Or maybe he just showed care in a way I didnt metabolize as care. Anyway! Who cares? lol Thanks for reading. I LOVE YOU! I LOVE MY DAD!