Why Pain Feels Like Home

"Who am I when I'm not broken?" This one is a bit more personal than some of the stuff I've posted before. I wasn't sure I was going to say some of this out loud. But honestly, I needed to say it. I spent years saying I wanted peace. But every time life started going well, I found a way to destroy it. Not because I liked the pain. But because pain was the only thing that felt familiar. Why do some of us not just experience suffering, we get addicted to it? Why do we choose the wrong people, burn good things, self-sabotage, and mistake chaos for connection? And why does healing feel wrong before it ever feels right?