늑깍이 간호사의 솔직한 고백

"Becoming a nurse at an older age makes it harder" Hello. Today, I’d like to share a somewhat honest story. It is likely a story that those of you who became nurses at a similar age to me, or those who entered clinical practice late, will relate to. I sometimes think to myself: "Why do I forget things so quickly?" I definitely studied it. It’s material I heard yesterday and received training on last week, but when I actually stand in front of a patient, I can't remember it. Younger nurses seem to memorize things instantly after hearing them just once, but even if I take notes, I forget them again, and even if I go home and study again, I get confused again after a few days. Is it because I’m getting older? Honestly, I don't want to admit it, but it seems true that my memory has declined compared to before. That is why I am always anxious. Every time I go to work, "What will happen today?" "What if I make a mistake?" I find myself thinking these things. This is especially true when an emergency situation arises. When a patient's condition suddenly deteriorates, and the oxygen saturation It falls. The guardian is startled. The nurses around are busy moving about. At that moment, strangely, my mind goes blank. It is something I clearly knew, yet suddenly nothing comes to mind. My heart races. My hands tremble. My mind becomes a blank slate. Then I become even more flustered. The young nurse next to me moves so calmly, but why am I like this? That comparison makes things even harder. In fact, because of these feelings, there are times when I end up raising my voice for no reason. It is not because I am confident. On the contrary. I am anxious inside, but because I don't want that anxiety to be seen, my voice sometimes gets louder for no reason. "I know that." "I can do it too." I say this, but my true inner thought is often: "Please don't look down on me." I feel even more intimidated, especially during medical procedures. The speed of inserting the IV. The success rate of blood draws. Emergency treatment. Experience. Using various equipment. Ultimately, these things come down to differences in experience. Someone who has done something hundreds of times over several years cannot be the same as someone who has only done it a few times. I understand it in my head, but in the field, I keep comparing myself to others. I only see what I am lacking. Some days I learn from juniors, Some days I ask colleagues for help, And some days I go to the restroom alone to sigh. "Did I start this for nothing?" "Why am I going through this hardship at this age?" Thoughts like these cross my mind. But there is something fascinating. Even though difficult days continue, I am improving little by little. At first, I used to get nervous just taking vital signs, but now I can observe the patient's condition a little better, At first, I was afraid of questions from guardians, but now I can explain things to them to some extent. At first, charting took a long time, but now it is faster than before. In the past, I only got scolded, but one day There are days when a colleague says, "You've improved a lot." That single remark gives me great strength. Looking back, I can't really see the changes on a day-by-day basis. But the me of a year ago and the me of today are definitely different. I have become a little calmer, a little more accustomed, and a little more like a nurse. Of course, I am still in an ambiguous position. I am not an experienced nurse, nor am I a new nurse. Among the young nurses, I am old, and among the older senior nurses, I have little experience. It feels like I don't belong anywhere completely. There is that loneliness, too. But when I think about it, the very fact that I am getting through this period is a remarkable thing. It is because I did not give up. I went to work every day despite feeling anxious, I tried to learn every day despite feeling inadequate, I stayed by the patients' side every day despite being afraid of making mistakes. So today, I intend to tell myself: It is okay to be a little slow. It is okay to be a little late. Even if I seem lacking compared to others It’s okay. The important thing is to be a little better than yesterday. And if that small growth accumulates, someday, I too will become a reliable nurse, helping others. To all the late-blooming nurses enduring another tough day today. You have worked truly hard. We are doing better than you think.