S2EP8 好好愛自己，別人才會愛你？｜《你愛自己的方式，定義了別人愛你的樣子》【CC字幕】

"Love yourself first, then you can be loved by others." You've definitely heard this saying. But have you ever considered that pursuing self-love might actually be the reason you're more exhausted? In this episode, I'll start with a book by Cong Feicong to discuss something: The methods you use in relationships—reasoning, appeasing, blaming, disappearing—are all ways of "implicitly demanding love." This includes "reasoning." Core content: — Four implicit demanding methods + underlying childhood roots — Why "reasoning" is the hardest pattern to detect — How self-esteem affects relationship quality through interpretation mechanisms (2023 study) — Comparison between attachment theory (Hazan & Shaver 1987) and the patterns in the book — Differences between self-acceptance and loving oneself (Selda Koydemir) — Being loved is also a capability (Brené Brown) This episode is a collaboration with BOOK☆WALKER 《The way you love yourself defines how others love you》 by Cong Feicong, published by Gaobao Publishing Discount code: nibel202606 (valid until 2026/07/20) [1] Cong Feicong (2024). 《The way you love yourself defines how others love you: Mutual understanding and love are the starting point of a happy relationship. A psychological counselor helps you break away from unhealthy interaction patterns and rediscover the ability to love yourself and others》. Taiwan: Gaobao Publishing. This episode primarily cites the following bibliography. Cong Feicong, drawing on ten years of counseling experience, proposes four implicit patterns of seeking love: "blaming, reasoning, appeasing, and avoidance," and argues that being loved is a skill that needs practice. The "reasoning" section, the classification of the four patterns, and the concluding paragraph "being loved is also a skill" in this episode are all directly taken from this book. [2] Wood, J. V., Forest, A. L., Friesen, J. P., Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & McNulty, J. K. (2023). Self-esteem and romantic relationship quality. Nature Reviews Psychology, 3, 27–41. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44159-023-00247-z This retrospective study indicates that self-esteem has a very weak direct effect on relationship satisfaction; the real impact is transmitted through a series of mediating mechanisms (trust, interpretation style, and behavioral response). The section "How Self-Esteem Affects Relationships Through Interpretive Chains" in this episode is based on this article. [3] Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. This is a foundational study of attachment theory applied to adult romantic relationships, proposing a framework of three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant (this episode also uses an extended four-category version of ambivalent attachment). The section "Comparison of Attachment Theory and Four Demanding Patterns" in this episode is based on this theory. [4] Chang, S. H. (2018). Testing a model of codependency for college students in Taiwan based on Bowen's concept of differentiation. International Journal of Psychology, 53(2), 107–116. https://doi.org/10.1002/ijop.12271 A local study of Taiwanese college students found a significant negative correlation between the degree of self-differentiation (the ability to maintain an independent self in intimate relationships) and co-attachment tendency. The section "Self-Differentiation and Relationship Quality" in this episode cites local Taiwanese data from this study. [5] Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing. Brené Brown proposed the concept of "worthiness": a person who is capable of loving and receiving love believes that they are worthy of being loved, and this belief requires no preconditions. The section "The Substance of Loving Yourself" in this episode cites this concept. [6] Koydemir, S. (2024, August 23). Why self-love isn't necessary to love others. Selda Koydemir (Personal Professional Blog/Newsletter). In this article, psychologist Koydemir (currently an honorary professor at the University of Bamberg, Germany) points out that self-esteem and relationship quality are bidirectional and mutually causal; the idea that "you can only love others if you love yourself first" is not a one-way causal relationship supported by research. Many people gradually learn self-acceptance through trustworthy relationships. It should be noted that this is a personal blog post by the author, not a peer-reviewed journal article. This collection simplifies it to the statement that "self-acceptance is closer to reality than self-love," but the actual stance is closer to "the two mutually constructive." #HowYouLoveYourself #CongFeicong #AttachmentTheory #Psychology #LoveYourself