How Your Attachment History Shapes Your Parenting

When we think about attachment in adoption and foster care, we usually focus on the child. But parents bring their own attachment histories and life experiences into the relationship as well. Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker explores how a parent's past can shape their parenting, influence reactions to challenging behaviors, and impact family connection and healing. Dr. Wirta-Leiker is a licensed psychologist, transnational and transracial adoptee, adoptive parent, creator of the National Adoptee-Therapist Directory, and author of the Adoptees Like Me children’s book series. In this episode: 00:00:53 - When we talk about trauma and attachment in adoption and foster care, most of the focus tends to be on the child. Why is it equally important to explore the parents' history? 00:01:51 - What do parents sometimes miss about the role their own experiences play in parenting? 00:02:35 - Why can it feel uncomfortable or even threatening for parents to turn the lens inward rather than focusing exclusively on the child? 00:03:28 - Can you give us a working definition of what you mean by "attachment" so we are all on the same page? 00:04:12 - How does that relationship from our childhood influence our parenting style now? 00:07:04 - What are the 4 major adult attachment styles, and what do they look or feel like in our parent-child relationship? 00:11:04 - Many parents hear descriptions of attachment styles and immediately start self-diagnosing. Why is that unwise or unhelpful? And what do you want parents to understand about using these concepts as tools for growth rather than labels? 00:14:10 - How do unresolved childhood experiences or trauma shape our parenting responses? 00:15:21 - What are some common ways our history of trauma may get activated—or "triggered"—by our adopted or foster children? 00:17:19 - How can we talk to ourselves when we feel that activation happening? Scripts we can use or messaging we can rehearse? 00:19:08 - Are there certain child behaviors that tend to be especially activating for parents with unresolved attachment or trauma wounds? 00:21:01 - What is happening neurologically and emotionally when a parent feels disproportionately angry, hurt, rejected, or powerless in response to a child's behavior? 00:22:13 - Why do you think parenting in adoption and foster care is uniquely effective at exposing unresolved issues that a parent may not have known were there? 00:23:20 - How do our parental expectations—about bonding, gratitude, trust, or family life—sometimes become obstacles to connection? 00:26:32 - What are some signs we notice when we are responding from our own history rather than from what the child actually needs in the moment? 00:27:18 - What signs can we notice in our kids to help us see that we may be responding from our own histories? 00:28:37 - What does healthy self-awareness look like for adoptive and foster parents? 00:31:14 - When parents recognize their own triggers, what practical steps can they take in the moment? 00:33:17 - How can parents begin exploring their own attachment history safely and productively? 00:35:40 - Is it possible to move toward a more secure attachment style as an adult? If so, how does that happen? 00:36:42 - If a parent wants to heal some of their unresolved attachment issues, where should they start? 00:39:44 - What's one question parents should ask themselves when they find themselves repeatedly stuck in conflict with their child? 00:42:13 - Where would you encourage parents to begin if today's conversation has raised some difficult but important self-reflection? Resources: • Grow Beyond Words - https://growbeyondwords.com/ • Understanding Attachment Between Parent and Child - https://creatingafamily.org/adoption-... • Adoptee and Foster Alum Voices resource page- https://creatingafamily.org/adoption/... • Therapy Resources for Adoptive, Foster, and Kinship Families - https://creatingafamily.org/adoption/... Related episodes: • Parenting with Love, Joy, and Connection with Bryan Post -    • Parenting With Love, Joy, and Connection w...   • Maintaining Secure Attachment While Disciplining Misbehavior -    • Maintaining Secure Attachment While Discip...   This podcast is brought to you by CreatingaFamily.org. For more tipsheets, resources, and practical information, visit our website. Music Credit: Michael Ashworth Podcast Producer: megownsoundworks.com