Preventing Meltdowns in the Long Term

Understanding how to deal with a meltdown (aka Big Feeling Cycle) in the moment is a really valuable skill, but it doesn't end there. Ultimately, we want to use connected parenting and coaching conversations to prevent meltdowns in the long term. You’ll Learn: • The skill your kid might be lacking if they’re having a lot of meltdowns • What a coaching conversation is and why to have them • The 3 steps of a coaching conversation Listen as I walk you through how to use coaching conversations in parenting to teach your child how to align their behavior with your family's values and manage the way they think, feel, and act. ---------------------------------- Kids aren't born knowing about time, money, manners, or managing their emotions. Over the course of parenting and raising them, you're teaching them how the world works, how feelings work, how their bodies work, how time works, how money works. This is parenting. And our goal is to do it in a thoughtful, respectful way. What is a Coaching Conversation? Basically, a coaching conversation is a teaching conversation that coaches your kids toward new skills, new values, and new concepts for understanding how things work in the world. One way to think of it is that a coaching conversation replaces a lecture. It's more collaborative. You're not talking at them, you're talking with them. To be clear, you are still the leader of your family. You still get to set the boundaries and expectations. We're not outsourcing that leadership to the child. In a traditional parenting model, the parent might respond to misbehavior by saying, "Hey, listen kid, that doesn't work. You've got to cut it out or else there's gonna be a consequence." Or they might moralize or lecture, going on and on about all the reasons that that behavior is bad and what it means. I'm sure you've responded this way yourself at times. The truth is that this is how many of us were raised. This is the only model we've had to follow. Today, I want to show you a different way. Preventing Meltdowns in the Long Term If your child is having a lot of meltdowns, it is likely that they are lacking the SKILL of self-regulation, the skill of coping with negative emotion. How much better does it feel to know that the problem isn't that something is wrong with your kid - they're simply lacking a skill that you can help them learn and practice? In order to create long-term emotional health, we need to teach our kids the coping strategies that they need to regulate their nervous system and calm themselves down. That's where coaching conversations come in. How To Have a Coaching Conversation There are 3 parts to any coaching or teaching conversation: 1. Reflect on the behavior 2. Teach a new skill, tool, or coping strategy 3. Practice what to do instead Before we dive in, remember that in order for these conversations to work, you must be as calm and neutral as possible. If you need to take a CALM break or wait until another time for the conversation, do that. Step 1: Reflect on the behavior. Use the Connection Tool (https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog...) to validate your child's emotions while also talking about the impact of their behavior. Help them to understand that the way they are processing their feelings is causing problems for others. As you make guesses about how your child might be feeling, phrase it as a question. This makes it more of a conversation. You can also explain to them different ways that big feelings show up for people. Some people want to run away and hide. Some people want to fight. Which way do they feel? I love using the image of feelings as a big wave that gets bigger and bigger until it crashes. Or like a race car with no brakes. This can put it into terms that your child can visualize and understand. Step 2: Teach a new skill. This is where you set the boundary and talk about what is okay and what you expect. And show them a better way to cope. Let your child know that big feelings are normal, but how they are handling those big feelings isn't safe. So you have to come up with new ways for them to manage their big feelings. You want to really slow down the conversation in this stage. Ask lots of questions and try to get a little buy-in. Then, teach them a new skill. The skill I want you to teach your kids in order to prevent meltdowns is (can you guess?) the CALM Break. Yep, the same tool that you use to regulate yourself. As a reminder, the CALM Break is: Catch yourself. Ask for help. Label your feelings. Move your body. Step 3: Practice the new skill. Practice the CALM Break together. Ask your child to imagine a scenario where they have a big feeling in their body. You can even use an example of something that actually happened. Then, go through the steps of a CALM Break together. These conversations proactively teach your kid how to regulate their nervous system. Here...