Intimacy Requires Anxiety with Dr. Bruce Chalmer

Dr. Bruce Chalmer has been a couples therapist for over 30 years. Before that, he was a statistician. And at some point in the time between the two, he went through the kind of despair that changes how someone approaches adversity forever. That experience, and what he found on the other side of it, is what led him to clinical work. It's what he still brings into every session: a specific non-religious faith, a conviction that reality is right to be what it is, even when it's brutal. People who can hold that perspective don't panic, and that lack of panic allows them to be kind. Be kind, don't panic, and have faith. That's the seven-word formula behind his podcast with his wife Judy Alexander, and it's the thread running through this whole conversation. We explore the framework that relationships have two distinct sets of needs: stability and intimacy, and that these two things are structurally in tension. Stability is about keeping anxiety low. Intimacy is about tolerating anxiety without freaking out. And most couples, especially stable ones who love each other, quietly sacrifice intimacy to protect stability. We then suss out the difference between deal breakers and growing pains, dig into the one skill that solves every relationship problem (the ability to be moderately annoyed), and what happens to couples after betrayal when they do the work. Pancho shares his three-year conversation with his wife about whether to have children, which turns out to be a pretty good real-world case study in everything Bruce is describing. Referenced & Recommended Ideas / Resources *Couples Therapy in Seven Words podcast with Bruce Chalmer and Judy Alexander*: https://couplestherapyinsevenwords.co... *The Passion Paradox by Bruce Chalmer*: his book on stability, intimacy, and why relationships need both to stay alive *Whole Brain Living by Jill Bolte Taylor*: referenced for the idea that we are all multiple people simultaneously, mapped onto four physiological characters based on left/right hemispheres and neocortex/limbic system *Internal Family Systems (IFS) via Richard Schwartz*: referenced alongside Jill Bolte Taylor's work as a framework for understanding the multiplicity within each person *Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning*: referenced in the context of finding meaning even in the worst circumstances as Bruce's working definition of faith *Alain de Botton, Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person*: referenced for the idea that every partner is a bundle of specific annoyances and the work is figuring that out together; http://theschooloflife.com *Bill Doherty's discernment counseling*: referenced as the framework behind Bruce's video course on whether to stay, wait, or leave