The 5 Stages of Grief Are Wrong | Thomas Attig on Life After Loss

Awake at the Wheel - Ep 105 What if grief is not something you “get over,” complete, or bring to closure? Applied philosopher and grief scholar Thomas Attig joins Malini Ondrovcik and Dr. Oren Amitay to challenge some of our most common assumptions about death, bereavement, and healing. Attig argues that the familiar five stages of grief were never designed to explain the experience of grieving after someone has died. Grief is not simply a sequence of emotions that eventually ends in acceptance. It is the active and deeply personal work of relearning how to live in a world permanently changed by loss. Order "Seeking Wisdom in Death’s Shadow" through Oxford University Press and use promo code AUFLY30 for 30% off. In this conversation, we explore: • Why the five stages of grief often fail grieving people • The difference between reacting to loss and responding to it • Why “closure” may be an unrealistic and harmful goal • How love can continue after someone dies • Whether moving forward dishonours the person you lost • How to hold love, anger, guilt, resentment, and forgiveness at the same time • What to say to someone who is grieving • Why clichés and attempts to “fix” grief often make things worse • How hope and meaning can coexist with sorrow Thomas Attig is the author of How We Grieve: Relearning the World, The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love, and Seeking Wisdom in Death’s Shadow. His work has helped reshape contemporary thinking about grief, bereavement, continuing bonds, and the human experience of loss. This episode includes discussion of death, suicide, bereavement, trauma, and the loss of a child. Viewer discretion is advised. Awake at the Wheel explores psychology, mental health, relationships, culture, and the difficult realities that shape how we live. Subscribe for more conversations with clinicians, researchers, authors, and thinkers examining the forces influencing our mental health and society. CHAPTERS 00:00 Introduction 00:40 Thomas Attig’s background in philosophy 02:16 Teaching death, dying, and grief 03:13 What grieving people actually experience 05:34 Grief means relearning the world 06:44 Seeking Wisdom in Death’s Shadow 08:06 Why grief is so difficult to discuss 08:46 What the five stages were actually designed to explain 11:10 Why the five stages do not describe grief 14:05 What traditional grief models miss 16:07 Reacting to loss versus responding to it 18:10 Finding hope within grief 21:17 Can love continue after death? 24:49 The finality of death and the myth of closure 27:35 Loving someone without idealizing the relationship 30:36 Holding conflicting emotions after a loss 32:51 Does moving forward dishonour the person who died? 35:02 Loving someone despite what they did 35:21 A father grieving his son’s suicide 38:53 Spirituality, forgiveness, and grief 40:48 The wrong ways to support someone who is grieving 41:45 What not to say after the death of a child 43:12 A meaningful way to offer support 44:03 What to say when you have no words 45:21 Where to find Thomas Attig’s work 48:15 Final thoughts on trauma and healing