Where Was God? | Pastor Pete Ngai on Suffering, Healing & Knowing the Father

Where was God when everything fell apart? It's the question almost everyone asks eventually — usually in the dark, usually alone. In this conversation, Pastor Pete Ngai (Hand of Mercy) — Shawn Zajas's own pastor — refuses to give the easy, sanitized answer. Instead, he sits with the hard questions: suffering, grief, doubt, spiritual warfare, and what it actually means to be known and loved by God. This isn't a polished sermon. It's an honest, unhurried, deeply human conversation between a pastor and the man he's walked with — about the parts of faith that don't fit on a bumper sticker. We get into why a good God allows real pain, the difference between free will and fatalism, and how to hold onto faith when life doesn't make sense. Pete talks about spiritual warfare in a way that's grounded rather than sensational — including the thoughts running through your head that were never actually yours. We dig into the difference between knowing ABOUT God and actually KNOWING Him, and why so many people are exhausted from performing for a Father who never asked them to. Along the way, Pete shares the stories and images that shaped his faith: holding his newborn son and learning what a father's love really costs, the spirit of rejection that fed him lies for years, the hardest cases that test everyone's faith, and the quiet despair of standing in an empty church wondering whether anyone would come back next week. These aren't theological abstractions — they're scars, and they're where his theology actually comes from. If you've ever wondered whether faith can survive real grief — or whether God is good when life clearly isn't — this conversation is for you. — What we talk about — • Where is God in suffering, grief, and loss? • Why a good God allows pain — free will vs. fatalism • Spiritual warfare and the battle for your mind • The thoughts in your head that aren't actually yours • Knowing God vs. merely knowing about God • Identity, performance, and the exhausting need to earn love • The Father's love and what it means to be fully known • Healing, deliverance, and walking with God day to day • Honest doubt, dark nights, and faith that holds anyway — Questions this conversation answers — • Why does God allow suffering if He's good and all-powerful? • How do you keep your faith after losing someone you love? • What is spiritual warfare, and how do you fight it in everyday life? • How can you tell the difference between your own thoughts and lies you've believed? • What does it actually mean to "know God" personally? • Why do so many Christians feel like they have to perform to be loved? • How do you find healing from rejection, shame, and a performance mindset? • Is it okay to doubt God — and can faith survive the dark seasons? — Moments that stayed with us — Pete on the love a father pours out: "Son, this is how I love you." The hardest cases that make people question everything — and a God who never looks away. The spirit of rejection that whispers lies until you finally name it. And the line that reframes the whole thing: eternal life isn't knowing about Him, it's knowing Him. — Who this is for — Anyone wrestling with hard questions about God and suffering. Anyone tired of performing for their faith. Anyone walking through grief, anxiety, or a season where God feels far away — and anyone who wants a faith that's honest enough to survive real life. — About Pastor Pete Ngai — Pete Ngai leads Hand of Mercy and has spent decades pastoring people through the hardest seasons of their lives — sickness, addiction, grief, and spiritual oppression. He's known for refusing to flinch from hard questions and for a kind of faith that's been tested rather than inherited. He is also Shawn's pastor, which is part of why this conversation goes where most interviews don't. 🙏 Connect with Pastor Pete Ngai 👉 @petengai6830    / @petengai6830   — About The Shawn Zajas Show — Shawn Zajas sits down with people worth listening to for honest, long-form conversations about faith, identity, calling, and the life of God with us. No hype, no formula — just real conversations that go deeper than the highlight reel. 🎙️ Host: Shawn Zajas Subscribe for more:    / @shawnzajasshow   New conversations posted regularly — hit the bell so you don't miss one. If this conversation meant something to you, the most helpful thing you can do is share it with one person who needs it, leave a comment with what stood out, and subscribe so more of these can happen. — Chapters — Chapters will be added once the final cut is locked. #faith #God #Christianity #PastorPete #PeteNgai #HandOfMercy #spiritualwarfare #healing #deliverance #testimony #grief #suffering #identity #fatherslove #ShawnZajasShow #ChristianPodcast #faithoverfear #knowingGod #jesus #christianliving