164. Bindungsangst trotz Beziehung? Warum manche Menschen bleiben aber emotional flüchten

Fear of commitment despite long-term relationships – how is that possible? A woman from the Healthy Love Club asked Stella this question: How can someone who is truly commitment-phobic have had long-term relationships before me? And what does that say about me? In this episode, Stella resolves this apparent contradiction – and explains what you should really pay attention to during the getting-to-know-you phase. What you need to know about commitment avoidance Long-term relationships don't automatically mean secure attachment. What's crucial is the quality of these relationships – not their duration. Relationships with commitment-phobes are often emotionally limited: little genuine intimacy, hardly any room for vulnerability, conflicts are avoided or swept under the rug. What's typical: After particularly close, intense moments, withdrawal often follows. Not out of malice, but because genuine closeness triggers fear. And this fear is precisely the core of the problem. Why do relationships with commitment-phobes sometimes still last a long time? Because the other partner doesn't ask for what they actually need. Because one person takes on all the emotional work. Because the circumstances limit intimacy from the outset: long-distance relationships, shift work, separate apartments. Or because both partners avoid it—and thus silently maintain a relationship under the radar. The decisive turning point When one person starts working on themselves and resolving their own issues, the commitment-avoider loses the ability to relinquish their fear. And that's precisely when the exit often follows—not because the relationship deteriorates, but because their own fears suddenly become apparent. How can you recognize commitment avoidance early in the getting-to-know-you phase? Ask about past relationships—and listen carefully. People who speak often reveal more than they think. Pay attention to phrases like, "All my ex-partners were too needy." That's a clear sign. Further clues in conversation: How does someone talk about intimacy? Can they take responsibility for their role in past relationships? Do they talk about feelings? Do they show empathy? What are their views on moving in together, on commitment? And during the initial stages of getting to know each other: Does the person withdraw after intense moments? Do they avoid contact when uncomfortable topics arise? Then you'll know what you're dealing with early on. If you're interested in topics related to dating, self-esteem, and relationships: Connect with me. On Instagram, in the podcast, or during the free Clarity Call – I look forward to hearing from you! 🌸 Episode on the topic of commitment phobia – specific statements that point to it early on → https://open.spotify.com/episode/4pHW... Clarity Call (free): https://www.stellaschultner.com/clari... My services: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠https://www.stellaschultner.com/ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   / stellaschultner_psychologie   YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠    / @stellaschultner   Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1Rk9...