Why Over-Giving is Ruining Your Relationships

Are you the person who always plans every event, cleans up the mess, and anticipates everyone else's needs, only to end up completely exhausted and resentful? In this episode, we expose the vicious cycle of over-functioning and uncover shocking clinical research proving that suppressing your needs does measurable damage to your physical health. In this deep dive, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Kati Morton shifts to a single-topic podcast format to dissect "over-functioning" doing more in a relationship than the other person to feel safe or earn love. We discuss the psychological roots of extreme people-pleasing, toxic independence, and how fawning acts as a childhood trauma response. Kati reviews thirty years of data on "unmitigated communion" (focusing on others to the total exclusion of self), a 7-year study of 1,340 couples showing how over-giving traps people in unhappy relationships, and groundbreaking 2022 medical research linking self-silencing directly to carotid plaque. Finally, you'll get a 4-step actionable framework to break the loop using deliberate under-functioning and specific boundary setting. Chapters: 00:00 - A New Format for Ask Kati Anything 02:00 - What is Over-Functioning? Community Stories 04:00 - Fawning, People-Pleasing, and the Need to Feel Safe 07:40 - Earning Love: Kati’s Personal Story with Perfectionism 11:50 - The 6 Rungs of the Over-Functioning Cycle 22:02 - Sponsor message: BiOptimizers Magnesium Breakthrough - Go to https://bioptimizers.com/kati and use code KATI for 15% off your entire order, plus get a FREE bottle of MassZymes 23:34 - Unmitigated Communion: When the Self Disappears 30:23 - The Relationship Trap: 7-Year Study of 1,340 Couples 35:36 - The Cardiovascular Cost of Self-Silencing 38:27 - Step 1: Identify Your Current Rung 40:34 - Step 2: Deliberate Under-Functioning 45:30 - Step 3: Make a Single, Specific Ask 49:15 - Step 4: Tolerate the Discomfort (Data vs. Danger) 52:43 - Next Week's Preview: Understanding Health Insurance Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast... Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7itqbvf... Instagram:   / katimorton   MY BOOKS Why Do I Keep Doing This? https://geni.us/XoyLSQ Traumatized https://geni.us/Bfak0j Are u ok? https://geni.us/sva4iUY CHANNEL MEMBERSHIP    / @katimorton   ONLINE THERAPY If you're looking for a therapist, BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed online professional: https://betterhelp.com/kati (enjoy 10% off your first month) This is an affiliate link, which means a portion of your signup helps support the podcast at no extra cost to you. PARTNERSHIPS Nick Freeman | [email protected] Disclaimer: The information provided in this video is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical or mental health advice. It should not be used to diagnose or treat any health problem or disease. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional for diagnosis and treatment. Viewing this content does not establish a therapist-client relationship. #mentalhealth #therapy #askatherapist #katimorton #askkatianything #mentalhealthpodcast Ask Kati Anything ep. 316 | Your mental health podcast, with Kati Morton, LMFT