The Big One.

ok i real quick just wanna say a few things I AM NOT BACK TO GMHSG OFFICIALLY RIGHT NOW!!!!!! i started playing it again about a week ago just for funsies and i dont care if i get the golden right now, i turned off all pace pings and have not been promoting these streams on purpose SPECIFICALLY because i just want to have fun on this map and i have been! just playing it chill with 0 practice 0 runs 0 anything just spamming golden attempts with just the core people that watch all my other streams anyways has made it genuinely relaxing to play and im enjoying it a lot right now! i truely do not plan on getting it anytime soon, im gonna keep playing it because im having fun right now but the MOMENT i start feeling pressured to getting it and i stop having fun i am DROPPING IT THAT SAME DAY. i DO NOT want this to be anything big right now, i dont want to farm viewers for partner, i dont want the huge viewer peaks i was reaching a few months ago, i just want to play and relax and if it happens it happens, ok? i cannot even begin to describe the amount of stress i felt a few months ago, where i was getting checkpoint 6 entries pretty much every stream. my viewer count was averageing above 100 and when i was in flag 1 it peaked at around 250 a couple of times, i cannot describe how terrible of a feeling it is to have that repetedly happen for a week straight where i know everyone new thats watching dosent care about me to watch anything other then just me playing this 1 level and every far death just felt amplified knowing that 200 people were only there to watch the gameplay and i just made a massive embarrassing mistake, and then other people started grinding it and were breezing through it making the level look easy, like i was a complete joke for spending 2 years on it, and the specific straw that broke my will to play it was in jitios stream when they were doing their wheel of fates 2 event, and my name was making it pretty far! and then i saw a chat message from someone (i remember exactly who it was but i wont say) saying something along the lines of "come on hecc dosent need ANOTHER break from gmhsg" and i dont know why that specifically was it but on top of everything else i was feeling i just dropped it right there and that day. i do not want a repeat of these events to happen ever. i just want my streams to be a place to have fun, to talk, and to not care about anything that much for a few hours. ever since i started streaming i always saw it as the stream came first the game came second, cause if i really wanted to play the game i could just do that offline, if people are taking time out of their day to watch me i need to prioritize that but during all of this it just felt more and more like all anybody cared about was the game and i started stressing way too much about the game. sorry for the little ramble about feelings (yuck) but i felt i needed to explain why ive been kinda hiding away my gmhsg progress/streams (and maybe also give a little context to the opening little montage of all the checkpoint 6 deaths and why i got so angry at some of them! i really dont rage at games that much this all was just getting to me quite a bit!)