Retrograde

I keep the photographs but I can't trust them now Every smile a question mark, every moment a doubt Were you already leaving in the pictures where you stayed Was I the only one who thought that we were saved The stars were in a different order Than the ones I thought I'd learned to read There was always a horizon I was walking toward That only ever existed in my sleep I have been living in a painting That someone else had already signed Every room we ever shared together Had a different story underneath You moved in retrograde without me knowing Walked back through every sacred thing Left me with a history I don't know how to believe Every version of the good years has your leaving underneath I am holding onto something That was never what it seemed I loved you like a house I thought was permanent Like a name I thought that I could keep But you were packing in the silence While I was finally falling asleep There are pictures I can't look at There are songs I had to bury I laid my whole life down like an offering Not knowing the temple had already fallen Long before I learned to pray You moved in retrograde without me knowing Walked back through every sacred thing Left me with a history I don't know how to believe Every version of the good years has your leaving underneath I am holding onto something That was never what it seemed Tell me which light was already dying When I swore that I could see it burn Tell me which tide was already turning When I thought that we were something Worth holding on to I don't need the answer I can already feel the shape of it The silence has a name now And it sounds exactly like your laugh You moved in retrograde without me knowing Walked back through every sacred thing Left me with a history I don't know how to believe I was never the story that I thought I was living I was the space between the words A breath the narrative took before continuing Without me Without me Without me