#24 Mijn moeder koos voor zelfmoord: over rouw en zelfdoding, met Paula

At the age of twelve, Paula found her mother after a suicide attempt. From that traumatic moment on, she could no longer be a child; alongside ordinary teenage worries, there were always concerns about her mother. What followed were years in which she made several more attempts, Paula saved her multiple times, and her mother repeatedly promised not to do it again. Eventually, Paula lost her to suicide after all, not long after her father had passed away. ** Would you like to support our podcast for free? Then subscribe to our YouTube channel; that helps enormously! Press the subscribe button on our YouTube channel ** Her parents were like yin and yang, black and white. After the loss of both of them, Paula realized that she was no longer ‘daughter of,’ but merely ‘mother of.’ As a single mother, she hopes to do what is best for her son and that he feels safe with her. We talk about: Guilt when you couldn't save someone and how this wears off How her mother, in a sense, still has control over Paula That not all suicides are the same Children's intuition and how they still seem to know things adults want to protect them from That being adored by a loved one and having people around you whom you adore is sometimes not enough That letting go is also loving Breaking up after an argument and how saying sorry is no longer possible on either side How Paula felt no need for Christmas after the loss of both her parents, but thanks to her son, got a Christmas tree at the last minute Listener question Perhaps a taboo, but was it also a relief at first? 🌱 I dare say there was a moment when I thought: “Tomorrow I won't have to search for where she is, I know where she is.” Mixed with the grief, disbelief, and anger. It is not a relief, but it gives you a moment of peace. - Paula Bio Paula Hi dear listeners/viewers, my name is Paula Rijk, 53 years old, single mom of a wonderful 21-year-old son. I was born in Amsterdam and moved to Belgium at the age of 35. At that time, my parents were already living in Belgium. I moved to live closer to, especially, my mother. I have had what you might call a real love-hate relationship with my mother. From the age of 12, I was confronted with her mental health issues. My father passed away, and then her "countdown to her end" began immediately! At the age of 39, half a year after my dad's death, I found her in my parents' garden shed. It was her conscious choice to take her own life at a moment when she knew for certain that I could not "save" her. To take my mind off things, I started a small business called Littlebiggifts. I have always been very creative, which also has a therapeutic effect. I make reusable advent calendars, gift boxes, and bags. Additionally, I make personalized items such as printed t-shirts, towels, mugs, etc. About the TaboeCast In the TaboeCast, we make it possible to talk about it. 📱 You can find us on Instagram:   / taboecast   🎥 And on YouTube:    / @taboecast   The TaboeCast is hosted by Fé van Megen   / fevanmegen