The Truth About Modern Masculinity and Emotions |Accepting Influence w/ John Gottman and Kier Gaines

**In this episode John and Kier discuss the scientific findings of a research project about Domestic Violence. Dr. John Gottman speaks with licensed therapist, mental health advocate and author of “It All Starts When You Do” Kier Gaines about translating research and data into practical help for relationships, including findings from a long-term study of violent couples that distinguished perpetrator-victim violence from more common situational violence. The conversation covers dating anxieties, online toxicity, cultural invisibility, learning through contact (the Jigsaw Classroom), the importance of accepting influence and postponing persuasion, and how fatherhood and nurturing presence shape identity and daughters’ expectations of respect. Subscribe to our channel and get Kier's book here: https://smarturl.it/ItAllStartsWhenYouDo Timestamps 00:00 Meet Kier Gaines 00:28 Why Data Matters 01:18 Two Violence Patterns 06:12 Cobra vs Pit Bull 08:21 Safety and Redemption 10:04 Therapy for Men 12:54 Performance and Rejection 15:11 Avoidance and Shame 17:15 Culture of Invisibility 18:12 Jigsaw Classroom Lesson 20:38 Online Toxicity Loop 23:05 Men and Disposability 24:40 Fatherhood Changes Men 33:01 Raising Loved Daughters 35:47 Performing For Acceptance 39:58 Online Approach Anxiety 43:49 What Makes A Good Partner 44:56 When Love Shrinks You 52:35 Conflict Influence Blueprint 54:32 Stop Judging Yourself 57:01 Book And Where To Find It 01:02:35 Tools For Everyone 01:03:21 Closing Appreciation ABOUT THE GUEST About the Guest Kier Gaines: Licensed Therapist, Mental Health Advocate and author of “It All Starts When You Do” Kier Gaines Bio 2026 KierGaines is a licensed therapist, nationally recognized speaker, and one of the leading voices redefining emotional wellness individuals, families, and organizations. Rooted in both clinical practice and lived experience, his work centers on a simple but transformative belief: emotional awareness is the foundation for resilience, clarity, and reclaiming control over one’s life.Reaching more than 40 million people monthly across platforms, Kier has become known for translating therapy into everyday language that people can actually use. Through storytelling, psycho-education, and practical tools, he makes mental health accessible beyond the therapy couch. AParents.com Next Gen Award winner and regular guest on NBC’s Today Show, Kier’sinsights have been recognized and amplified by influential voices including Oprah Winfrey and Viola Davis. He has spoken at Dell Tech World, major universities, national organizations, and the White House, guiding conversations on modern masculinity, relationships, parenthood, and the cultural future of mental health.More than a media presence, Kier is helping lead a generational shift by challenging outdated narratives around strength, vulnerability, and connection. His work bridges psychology and culture, equipping individuals and institutions alike with the language and tools to build healthier relationships and stronger communities.Through books, media, and global speaking, KierGaines is shaping a future where emotional literacy is standard, mental health is accessible, and growth is not just aspirational but attainable Book Description: What if the biggest obstacle to happiness isn’t your environment, your past, or other people—but a blindness to some uncomfortable truths about yourself?In the book his fans have been waiting for, one of the internet’s most beloved therapists, Kier Gaines, sets the record straight: mantras and toxic positivity won’t solve your problems.Instead, Gaines offers a bold new path to getting what you want in life: You need to know yourself better. A lot better than you do now.In It All Starts When You Do, Gaines walks you through the hard but rewarding work you need to do when you simply can’t figure out what feels off in your life. Whether your career is stuck in neutral, your family is driving you crazy, or you’re struggling to find love, you'll learn how to: ●Begin healing from the inner wounds you might not even be aware you have ●Conquer unconscious emotional hijacking ●Align your actions with your true desires ●Build self-esteem based on solid evidence and effort, not empty affirmations ●Stop consuming the empty calories of negative self-talk which can destroy progress ●Overcome the illusion of comfort that keeps you stuck ●And much more It All Starts When You Will Arm you with the tools you need to stop sabotaging your life, and get down to the business of living it. https://www.gottman.com/product/the-a... Follow us: @thegottmaninstitute on all platforms *Disclaimer:* The content on this channel is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. Watching these videos does not establish a therapist-client relationship. If you're in crisis, seek help from a licensed professional or emergency services.